What's happenin…@ some point in time

Downside to dating

29 Apr 2011 Leave a Comment

by hitomers in Uncategorized

Everyone knows dating’s a bitch. It’s a tough shark tank of short skirts and at times, testosterone pumped low IQ’s. Meh. Shit happens. Of course there are the rarities that meet, fall in love and live happily ever after for as long as they can. However the downside that exists before wedding bells ring, is the oh so irritating game of eye for an eye, you did this so I do that aka passive aggressive dating behavior.

I try not to make myself apart of that game and shake a shame finger at some of my girlfriends who do, but what I will say is that when it does happen to a girlfriend on behalf of some dude they tried to date, then I have to speak up, put my nose probably where it doesn’t belong, and get creative with a little combative dig. Take exhibit A for example:

Exhibit A

Common Dating Pattern
• Date Girl A
• She ends it
• Date Girl B
• Girl A flips out
• A & B become BFFs
• Girl A hates you

Now most would see this, chuckle and maybe even slap their knee because shit: it’s funny! Until you know who it’s about. Being a bit of a pit bull myself when it comes to people close to me…I will gladly admit that my slightly passive aggressive dig takes place in exhibit B:

Exhibit B

Common dating pattern
*boy meets girl A
*boy ends it
*boy meets girl B
*boy ends it
*boy wants girl A back
*girl says no
*boy says there’s plenty of girls
*boy stays alone

Of course should karma live up to standard someone will call me out on this and true to form I’ll admit what I did, apologize for butting in, but still stand true to whatever opinion I have on the subject. The truth of the matter is when you “attempt” to insult one womans reaction to your bullshit, you’re basically insulting the entire sex. Same goes for men too because we all know that one can have the tendency to ruin it for all, be it man or woman. And not all women are the way you’re portraying them in your own mental film reel of “The Days of My Life”. Just because a woman doesn’t want a man, doesn’t mean that woman did him wrong to be a bitter bitch or to get payback. Maybe she’s just not that into you. Maybe you’re just not her type. Maybe you should just let it go, move on and grow a pair. Because it’s a dangerous thing to air your dirty ass laundry on a social networking site, not knowing what pit bull of what friend could be reading what you wrote…

Embracing the unembracable

19 Apr 2011 Leave a Comment

by hitomers in Uncategorized

Traditional standards of behavior for single women are beginning to morph. Sure there’s the commonality ruler that women judge each other with every time they hear a story or see an interlude play out in front of us. And for every woman that says she doesn’t judge I call you a straight liar because you’ve done it at one point or another. Let’s admit it all together now! It’s too easy to do because in the forefront of our minds we want to say “I wouldn’t do it that way”. But we have to remember that we’re all so damn different…we can’t even keep our actions as a sex, straight! Some of us put our money where our mouths are: restraining ourselves from public behavior that would deem us as a “hoe” and showing it under more private settings. Some of us decide to show the world everything we are: exposing our hidden desires and flirtations with a side of arrogance and control. Some of us are too restricted by the “rules of dating” that we can’t determine hair nor hide of what’s appropriate and what isn’t. Such as:

*It takes half the time you were in a relationship to get over that person when it’s done.
*Stay single. No rebounds.
*Should you have a rebound, don’t date them.
*For at least 3 months embrace everything that isn’t good for you: smoking (if need be), eating ice cream for breakfast, never showering, barely sleeping, watching sad movies with a Sam’s Club supply of tissue right next to you.
* Keep yourself busy and distracted. Then you won’t have time to think about it!

(This could probably work for men as well.)

So many levels to consider, feelings to keep tabs on, emotions to safeguard. But the winds of change are shifting. It’s time to change how we behave when we’re broken, to change how we respond when approached, to change what’s been hardwired in our sex and adapt them to ourselves….embrace the unembracable! Instead of being incredibly particular about what you do, who you see, what you say, let’s transition into….who gives a fuck?! Why should it matter to someone else if we choose to switch teams, date one, ignore many, date many, ignore “one”, date the rebound, physically enjoy many, enjoy ourselves, enjoy silence, seize eroticism, CARPE DIEM! We all hear the same advice a million times over: don’t touch the candle flame and out of morbid curiosity we touch it and create our own lesson. There isn’t a damn thing different about dating or sex. We all walk headfirst into the fray, so sure we learned from before, so sure we won’t “do what they did”…and always remembering that we have to take the lumps ourselves in order to remember the sensation and imprint the lesson. Otherwise it doesn’t count and doesn’t matter. So long as you’re safe, so long as you’re comfortable and so long as you’re you…I say embrace it all and leave nothing behind.

What to do…what to do….

18 Apr 2011 Leave a Comment

by hitomers in Uncategorized

The time has come! To make an advance on my personal self, my educational goals…my aspirations and dreams I guess. I get the chance to learn something that not only benefits my future career plans but could also advance my current work environment! So why in the HELL can’t I type a personal statement?! What is this ridiculous writers block that’s in my way, that won’t budge, that has shifted size from a tiny rock to a monstrous wall that is impenetrable?  This is the same thing that happened with my book, my poetry, my short stories, my blog writing, my movie reviws….what in the blue blazes is happening and how in the halibut do I get past it?

Frustrated me

Is this really…

02 Jan 2011 Leave a Comment

by hitomers in Uncategorized

I’m spending a lot of time alone. After asking the ex factor to make a decision and either stay with his things and stop ignoring me or leave and go have his life with his new “love”. And so now that I get half of what I wanted, since his things are still here but his bed and some clothes are not, I have a lot of time to wonder if this is really the aftermath. Every day I wake up thinking about him, his shape and feature imprinted in my mind like a barcode on cardboard. And I wonder how he is (although I know he’s happy), what he’s doing (even though it’s more than likely something with her) and what he’s thinking about. And that’s where I stop.

On Monday he was supposed to move his essentials out. While I was at work. But of course, just like everything else that has transpired in the last month and a half, how could I possibly hope that that would actually happen as it should. No. I had the “pleasure” to return home…and help. He spent the day sad, understanding and realizing what I already realized: this is it. This was the moment where it was all over, where he was leaving and could very well never see me again. Yet his day of moving was halted by the heavy weight that I carried in my heart: he better be right about this. His logical self repeated: you better be right about this. He better. 6 years and everything gone…in a flash. Is this really the other side? My newly put together living room: new couch, new pillow, new lamp, wall furnishings, wicker basket, side table…my pieced together dignity that I have to dig up day by day, bit by bit….is this the view from the other side of the bridge? I think I’m proud of myself: fascinated by the end result from one week to another. One day to another. I can physically surprise myself by making the outside look unaffected. But it’s the inside that surprises me, the inside that I can’t scrub away withe a Chore Boy scrubber.

But each day looks different. Each minute pretends to show something else, but in the end of an hour, usually does. Something else will happen. If I keep repeating it to myself I think it will. But I can’t predict it. As much as I try to walk forward, eyes wide open…I just can’t predict it. And that’s the way it’s gotta be Hello 2011. Now let’s do something different than before.

It’s odd to wonder

15 Oct 2010 Leave a Comment

by hitomers in Uncategorized

The strangest emotion is when you can’t predict or know what’s happening in any second of every minute during every hour of your life. It’s easy for some to say they go with the flow, live in the moment, because you never know what you could be missing in the time at hand by being curious of what could be happening. So if we wonder about a situation while in that situation in that moment in time, are we not still living in the moment? Aren’t we just examining deeper caverns of that moment? Checking out every angle so to speak, until we’ve covered all bases and possible options. Some call that obsession. Others call it thoroughness. The problem is that it’s hard to just let some shit go. It’s hard to be experiencing something and just have it no longer be experienced. Those voiced in the linguistics and reactions of change understand that things don’t stay the same. They always shift…for better or for worse. But the real question is when something shifts in a person, when something changes, wouldn’t it be better to talk to any and all involved and let them know that things have changed?

We expect things to do what is in their nature to do: a scorpion to sting, an abuser to hurt, a judge to make decisions, a lover to love…a liar to lie. So can we trust a believer of honesty to tell the truth? When a shift happens or a change takes place, should it not be automatic to explain to another that something is no longer as it was? Then the obsession doesn’t have to happen, then a mind doesn’t have to wonder, then thoughts don’t have to run wild. I hate change. I am not a fan, not an advocate, not a groupie. It makes me think things are headed for the worse and that someone is going to be hurt. I like consistency, I like immediate information, I appreciate the facts and I’ve come to be friends with the truth. I just want my doubts to be proven wrong so I know what’s right.  Simplest resolution would be to inquire. Ask the question to get the answer. But that’s easier said than done when there’s been concern already voiced and an answer has already been given. But there’s still no satisfaction. The wonderment hasn’t been sated and so the apprehension keeps building. It has to come out. It can’t be swept under the rug and forgotten about because a bullshit explanation has been given. Bullshit explanations should further more be known as excuses. But when we ask for the truth, when we don’t want the excuses, how do we preface the question with the disclaimer that we want nothing to change from the norm and that we don’t love a person any less or don’t want something to change? I have a tendency to talk in circles. But right now, I’m scared.

Inadequacies

06 Oct 2010 Leave a Comment

by hitomers in Uncategorized

A couple of years back I started seeing a therapist. Little did I know that after I “cured my problem/issues” they would resurface. Shouldn’t there be some kind of guarantee against that type of stuff happening? Like when you walk through the door the first time there should be a voucher for 2 months worth of sessions if the emotional demons that plagued you before come back for revenge. No more craziness, guaranteed! Guess that’s what high paying psychiatrists, delusional hypnotists and alcohol is for.

So after a good…..oh….almost 2 years, of feeling in control, feeling confident and feeling like I had some kind of grip on reality, all of a sudden i’m jolted back to step 0: trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. Can’t admit you have a problem when you don’t know what the fuck the problem is or could be. And then at that point, what is the root (anyone else feeling like I should be in a chair talking to myself as I lay on a psychiatrists bed?) and what is feeding the root. I can’t help but wonder that this wouldn’t be a problem if I wasn’t a woman under the age of 45 and experiencing high strung emotional torture once a month. So because of the fact that my “therapy” worked but then the after affect disappears, I can’t help but start to explore how do I get that confidence back? Because on the inside….I feel like this:

I was asked a great question yesterday by a best friend. I was asked if I felt like I was special. And I started to do the instant answer of “well of course I think I’m special!!”. But I had to stop. I had to back up and really think: do I? Then it occurred to me that right now, I really don’t. I really don’t feel like who I am or what I do is enough for myself or possibly…anyone. So I should try to go back right…why not? Well it would be easy to blame mommie because that’s what every emotionally tormented individual does: let’s blame it on the parents. I feel like I don’t want to do that because it’s too easy. Or maybe it’s because it’s too right. Validation, getting credit where credit is due, is my core battle. I am not afraid to admit that if I’m not making someone else proud, I feel rejected. I feel completely voted off the island and fed to the sharks, while my remaining limbs they didn’t want are then eaten by the kracken in the deep dark void below. If I continue to live the rest of my life without finding a way to control this and give myself…whatever it is I need…then I can already tell what I’m going to ruin: everything.

There is a brief beacon of hope. When I realized in therapy that I looked for attention and cheated on my boyfriend whenever I felt rejected instead of just saying something to him about it, I started making a scarf. I would sit under the covers and just forget anything else existed. Just move my fingers in a dance of yarn that does nothing but clear my thoughts. During therapy I finished it. I sat in front of my therapist and stroked the black and green finished product. I felt satisfied. I felt accomplished. I felt like the zodiac curse of being a Gemini and never finishing anything was broken. I felt like no one could say it wasn’t enough. Maybe this cast Sunday was the best time to start a new project.

I probably shouldn’t use a blog as a tell all. Sometimes writing something down is the only way to forget about it. Or obsess about it even more. Or expose such a vulnerability that the only cure, the only guarantee the therapists won’t give you, is to figure this shit out and get a balance that I can call upon to help me when needed…for the rest of my life

(pictures coming soon of the project!)